Raising Children: Discipline Beyond Beating

As a modern parent, “chopping a wire” meant cutting off the Wi-Fi. It was not about removing the internet for just a single day. No, it was about removing it until my daughter's smartphone started to look like one of those original, ancient Nokia phones that can only text and call. It was an instant reality check. It didn’t leave a physical scar, but it certainly left a lasting impression. Some lessons are simply better taught with logic and strategy, depending on the child's age.

We often think discipline requires a cane, a broom or a raised voice. We worry that if we don't react with force, we are being weak. Take the Bible verse that says, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” We have all interpreted this in our own way. In African homes, this has traditionally meant breaking almost every tree branch in the compound to instill discipline.

But I love how that verse specifically says “careful to discipline.” It does not say go all crazy so that the entire neighborhood can hear the screams of your child and tell you how much of a "good parent" you are nor does it mean "tip toe" around your child to avoid being hated. Real discipline should not be a theatrical performance for the neighbors but lessons that mold better character.

I remember growing up; anything that could swing was a weapon for my mother, from that old slipper and an idle hanger to a rolled-up newspaper. The mere thought and fear of it just made you freeze. But did it actually remove the bad behavior? At times, force just teaches a kid how not to get caught. Discipline is not about winning an argument at the dining table; it is about winning the battle for our child's future character. When we react with anger, we teach fear. When we react with strategic consequences, we teach accountability.

The Power of a Consequence

I have come to believe that consequences are remembered, while pain just builds resentment. The punishment must fit the crime. If my teenage daughter is glued to her phone and refuses to help with chores, I choose not to reach for a cane. Instead, I confiscate the device, after all, I am the one who bought it anyway! In the real world, if you do not work, you do not get paid. By withholding a privilege, I am teaching her that respect and responsibility are the “currency” required to enjoy those extra privileges. If we do not teach our children these truths at home, the world will do it for us, and the school of life does not hold back.

Let’s sit and talk

In the old days, like the 1990s kind of old days, the parent spoke and the child obeyed without question. While respect for elders remains a beautiful core pillar of African culture, children today live in a highly globalized world. I find they need to understand the why behind the rules. Because of this, I prefer to wait until the emotional drama has passed for both of us before we sit down to talk about the punishment.

That said, the punishment still has to be issued out that same day. The days of beating a child until their eyes change to an opposition party color have passed. The old policy of “beat now and ask questions later” only breeds silent, depressed children. Fear has never produced strength.

Praising Good Manners over Feeding Fear

When we rely only on corporal punishment, we teach children how to become good liars. A child will lie simply to escape being beaten. They quickly learn the formula: if I want to avoid punishment, I have to lie. They learn to obey out of fear, not out of character. This is why I believe in positive reinforcement. If a child helps out without being asked, it is important to notice it. Simply saying, "Thank you for clearing the table, keep it up," works wonders.

This approach goes for the little ones mostly. My younger daughter has made folding her clothes and washing her own plates and cups a daily habit because of this positive reinforcement. Rewarding good behavior is far more effective at changing long-term habits than constantly punishing bad behavior. Your home does not have to turn into a military camp just because you want to raise upright children.

As parents, society often makes us feel that discipline requires a stick or a raised voice. We fall into the trap of thinking that talking nicely is only for bazungu (white people), and that Africans only understand tears. There is a constant anxiety that if we do not react with force, we are being weak or “spoiling” our children.

But I have realized that if we just gave our children a little more time, there is a lot we could understand about why they do some of the things they do. When I react with anger, I only teach fear. When I react with strategic consequences, I teach accountability. Our goal should be to raise children who listen out of respect, integrity, and good character, not out of terror.

 This post isn’t here to teach you how to raise your kids, we all have our own ways. However, that doesn’t mean we cannot make room to learn from one another.